Those of you who really know me, know I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, my granny. Growing up, she was the epitome of what it meant to be a GRANDmother. Between her (and my parents) my siblings and I always had what we needed and often what we wanted. That’s probably why it’s never been hard for me to do things for her or to make sure she is taken care of. 

Since my mother (her only child) passed away some years ago, we all have taken on different aspects of her care. Although she is still able to manage her day to day life with little to no assistance, there are some things that she relies solely on us to do for her. At the age of 87, she doesn’t drive anymore so just about anything she needs to get or do gets delegated to one of us. 

Historically, I have been the grand child assigned to do her grocery shopping. Pre COVID, she would accompany me on these WONDERFUL field trips. Although this would guarantee that we’d never get everything done in less than two hours, it was something that she looked forward to. Unfortunately now, she can’t always endure that amount of prolonged standing or walking without needing to rest. So now, it’s just me, her grocery list (written in hieroglyphics) and her sales paper. 

I’ll be honest in saying that most weekends that I go to the store for her, I don’t feel like it. After a grueling work week, perhaps after even being out of town for the entire week, I just want to try to rest and relax a little. However, I still drag myself 40 minutes down the highway to go shop for her.

While I am always happy that I am able to help her get her needs met, I often don’t have a good attitude about having to be inconvenienced. I try my best to mask those feelings because I don’t want her to feel bad or like she’s a burden, but sometimes, internally, I honestly feel frustrated. 

Now, before anyone starts in on me about this being my grandmother and how blessed I should be that she’s still alive, and how happy I should be to help after all that she’s done for me…. respectfully, shut up. Just because you love someone and want them to be well taken care of doesn’t automatically always make the process of doing so enjoyable or convenient. 

While I wish I could say that grocery shopping for my granny comes from a place of pure love and joy, it doesn’t. It comes from a sense of obligation. It’s one of my responsibilities. Sure there are occasions that I am genuinely happy to go to the store for her, but lately it just feels like a chore. 

Not too long ago, she told me that she hopes that I will start coming around more just to spend some time with her and not just go get her groceries leave.  What struck me in this statement was that in all of my “helping” somehow I had lost sight of her actual need/desire. Somehow, in all my busyness, I forgot that running errands for my granny, (while much appreciated) will never take the place of me spending quality time and just being present with her. 

As I’ve continued along my personal path of creating and reinforcing healthy boundaries with myself and others, I was able to realize that there was a part of me that had started to resent and distance myself from my grandmother because whenever she called, I just assumed it was because she needed something. My commitment to doing my own work helped me see that she wasn’t my problem, her needs/requests weren’t my problem either; I WAS MY PROBLEM! Truth is I wasn’t accepting responsibility for my feelings, my needs, or my limitations… it was just easier to blame my frustration on her. The real issue was that I didn’t want to communicate that what was being asked of me was more than what I wanted to do…but why?? I’ll tell you why…because I didn’t want to come across as the bad or ungrateful grandson. 

But what happens when your external response to a request doesn’t match your internal feelings about that request? You end up trying to convince yourself of something you don’t mean, and something as simple as this can take you out of integrity. Now, think about how often we do this. It’s no wonder we have so much built up frustration, stress, and anxiety.  

Often, we attribute the resentment we feel to the other party, when many times (while you may resent the other person) the true source of your resentment is you. 

It was my unwillingness to be honest with myself about how I was feeling that was the problem. I also told myself that if I didn’t go to the store for her every other weekend then she wouldn’t have any food and that simply is not true. While she prefers that someone she knows does her grocery shopping instead of a store clerk, it doesn’t mean that there is no other way for her to get her food. The point I am trying to make is that we are very rarely someone’s ONLY HOPE or ONLY HELP. Often, we are just the easiest answer to their problem or solution to their dilemma. 

The real question that needed to be answered in all of this was how can I help my grandmother get what she needs and how can I spend more quality time with her, without ignoring and putting my own needs on the back burner?

While there are several possible solutions to this situation, here’s what I came up with: I will grocery shop for my granny once a month and ask one of my siblings to pick up the second shopping trip. This new approach would allow me to take that second grocery shopping trip each month and use that time to just come to her house and spend that time enjoying her company and catching up on life. When it comes to my personal time to unwind and rest, I will look for other areas of my life that I can steward better to ensure that I get what I need. 

The moment I thought of this, instantly, I felt better! I hadn’t even had a conversation with her or my siblings yet… I just felt more empowered in my situation; and knew that even if my approach needed to be revised I was confident that there was a solution out there that honored me better than what I had previously allowed.  

One thing this has reinforced for me is that implementing healthy boundaries presents everyone with an opportunity to grow. They help you take responsibility for all aspects of your life and and gives others a template for how to value and respect you in the ways that you need and desire. 

One of the worst things we can do to the people we love is not have healthy boundaries in our relationships. These “Rules of Engagement” allow you to more freely and joyfully, “show up” for the people who matter most to you. 

What’s an area or relationship in your life you think could use some stronger boundaries? What’s something you can do today to take better care of yourself and strengthen your relationships at the same time?  

Needs some help getting started with setting healthy boundaries? CLICK HERE to join me in one of my in-person or virtual group coaching sessions. This type of work is always easier in community.